Hello, my name is (****) and i’m an alcoholic. Blah, how horrible does that look written down? An ALCOHOLIC. But there you have it, at the age of 33, I have finally become what I always feared. I’m in a dark, dark place at the moment, at the bottom of a well of despair looking up at a pinprick of light, and I’ve been using alcohol to try and float me right up to that light, but surprisingly, all its doing is making me sink deeper into the mud of melancholy. Ok, i’ll stop with the cliched descriptions, but you get the point, doom and gloom prevails.
The old drinking problem has recently progressed from binge drinking at the weekend, to full on drinking every night, fuelled by the maddening cycle of ‘I’m hungover and feel like shit, I know, I’ll drink, because that will make me feel better, wait, now I’m hungover again…..’. Crazy to think that the solution to all of this is to JUST STOP DRINKING! So why is that so hard to do, especially when its a case of not doing something? Guess that’s addiction for you.
I’ve tried to quit before, and managed a month, then quite spectacularly fell off the wagon. I went to a festival and managed two sessions of drinking moderately which I felt pretty chuffed with (boy, what an accomplishment, not!), then blew it by getting black out drunk. I should elaborate, once I start drinking, there is a tendency to drink until blackout. Ah the blackouts. Nothing can compare to that feeling, awakening with a jolt, fear, dread and panic coming in waves as I realise I can’t remember hours of the previous night, but I’m pretty darn sure I did something reprehensible. I’m not going to go into details because its quite sad and pathetic and will make me want to drink to feel better, but be rest assured, there is a whole back catalogue of incidents to draw from. But to give you an idea of the badness, I once blacked out and fell into a compost toilet. There you go. Can’t quite laugh about it yet, maybe one day. Sigh.
Anyways….moving swiftly on…… to another incident. I was visiting the parents a couple of weekends ago and you guessed it, blacked out on the old wine. Woke up in a total panic and wearing trousers that were most definitely not mine (no idea, and really, don’t want to know). Oh the shame. It’s been playing on my mind, as they now know that I have no control over my drinking. I’m sure they have suspected it for a while, but now They Know. In a way, it’s what has helped kick me in the direction of quitting and sorting myself out. I really don’t want to be the car crash of a daughter. I don’t mind being the flakey tattooed black sheep, but not the looser. Please, not the looser!
Given the time of year, I’ll be going home for the holidays, and yes, there will be wine on the go. But I will not be partaking. Nope. No thank you. Not for me. I’ll stick to the soft drinks thanks. Water and lemon for me thanks. I have a feeling that given the events of the previous visit, a word will be had. Or, as my mum tries to do, keep telling me that I like beer don’t I? Have a beer, oh there’s beer there, I got you beer – as a means of keeping me away from the wine. This really pisses me off and makes me want to drink wine. Why can’t she just outright say, why don’t you stick to the beer, wine makes you mental…? So the plan is to get in there first, and say that i’m not drinking full stop. That’s the plan anyway. Well, the plan is to not drink today, and if I can manage that, then maybe there is a hope in hell that I can not drink over the holidays. I think if I can stay at home today and avoid the shops, then I might manage it. The problem is my flatmate (who’s away) has 3 bottles of wine in his room. I’ve already drank and replace the red twice, and last night I drank the cava, after drinking the cider I bought while at the shop buying the replacement wine. Which means I need to go to the store and by more cava. Yes, this is my life.
So, welcome and commiserations. If you are reading this then you are most likely battling with your own addictions, and for that I’m sorry. It’s not a great place to be, is it? But it’s not a permanent state. Once upon a moon beam we weren’t addicted, and I’ve been reading blogs of people celebrating years of sobriety: it is possible!
My intention with this blog is to chart my journey to a sober life, and hopefully the process will not just help me, but help others who are struggling.
So, here is to day 0, the begging of the end!