Failing at Life

Its Monday evening and i’m drinking wine, out of a pint glass.  The picture is painted.  Sobriety is not going well. I got to Thursday last week, and started prepping for a beloved friend visiting for the weekend.  She hasn’t visited me in a while, and was keen to come see my new life in the country. I couldn’t resist the thought of sitting having a catch up and quaffing vino, so bought a couple of bottles for the weekend, but quite fancied a 3/4 bottle that night to help with the pre-visit spruce up chores.  So I had the ‘mini-bottle’ and two glasses from one of the weekend bottles.  Fail.  We had a lovely Friday night, watching a movie, drinking, all good.  Alcohol is good!  Then Saturday night comes round, and lulled into a false sense of ‘oh its totally fine, I can still drink normally,’ we went out for dinner.  I had half a bottle of red with dinner, felt totally fine: buzzed but not drunk.  Then we went to another pub and i switched to beer, thinking this was a safe option to not get too drunk.  I had two pints and I was doing well until my flatmate bought two shots, and stupid, stupid me, I drank them.  And then it all gets hazy.  I can remember walking home, but nothing, not a thing after that.  Total black out.  I don’t know what happened, and I really don’t want to know.  My friend sort of glossed over it but I know it was a total nightmare.  We were supposed to go on a lovely walk in the morning but I was so ill i couldn’t and I just about managed to drive her back to the station.  Fail.

And today my 28 year old lodger told me that I shouldn’t drink too much because I can’t process alcohol.  In other words, it doesn’t agree with me.  No shit. Why can’t I be like everyone else and be able to have a few drinks and get merry?  I don’t seem to have ‘merry’ I have a dark cesspit of crazy just waiting to be liberated by one drink too many.  And that is basically the issue.  I go from being slightly drunk, maybe approaching merry, to being full on black out drunk in the matter of seconds.  There is no warning, no, hey there, woah, slow down there chicky.

So why risk it?  Why, when I fully know that even a sip, a mere thimbleful of drink can send me over the edge into the abyss of torturous shame that is waking up from a drunken black out knowing yet not knowing, that something shameful has happened?

Honestly, I don’t know anymore.  I feel like i’m lost, flailing about and digging myself deeper. I’m the source of all the unhappiness in my life.

 

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2 thoughts on “Failing at Life

  1. Hey. You aren’t failing at life. This is one element of your life. Even so. Are you failing? This thing – addiction is so freaking hard. It isn’t like cancer or diabetes where people are sympathetic and the steps to healing are relatively routine. This shit is hard. You are strong. You are courageous for even coming to this forum and speaking your weakness. You are not failing. You have a genetic disorder that is of no character or moral fault of your own decision. Please love on yourself. You are not failing. Seek healing. For today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you mooseylou. It’s hard because I feel like my addiction is self inflicted, so not like a disease that for the most part just happens outwith someones control. I’m doing this to myself and those around me which makes me feel even worse, and makes me want to drink even more! Sigh. But thanks for the kind words, it really does help knowing i’m not alone, and this can be beat!

      Like

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