I drank two bottles of wine last night. And I don’t feel horrifically hung over because my body is now used to drinking that much. This is not good. I’m starting to get pain in my lower back when I drink, and my insides are starting to feel generally just a bit sore and achy, which I’m putting down to the strain on my organs. All that being said, I still can’t stop drinking. I just can’t. I drank a litre of wine on Friday night, because I was tired and had a long day at work, and I deserved a treat. Sat in my room, on my own, and drank a litre of wine. And yesterday I deserved a bottle of wine because I did some work in the garden. But that bottle didn’t last long, so I walked all the way to the store and got another, because I’m an alcoholic and I can’t help myself. I’m so pissed off with myself. I feel like I have lost control and I’m never going to get it back. If I continue the way I’m going, my health is going to be wrecked, I can feel it failing already. My face is permanently puffy and my stomach is always so bloated, this needs to stop!
I feel like part of the issue for me is that i’m really good at talking myself back round to thinking that I’m ok and I don’t have a problem. When I’m hungover its easy to feel like ‘never again!’ ‘I never want to feel this crap again’ ‘that’s it, no more!’, but the next day, or the day after that when the hangover is (mostly) gone, and I feel more or less normal, that’s when my brain reverts to a line of thinking that suggests my drinking (two bottles) is normal, and that I’m just over analysing it and its totally normal to get black out drunk and scare your friends with your mental behaviour. Or to wake up in the morning and have to check your phone and laptop to try and piece together the events of the night before. Yup, that’s totally normal, so have another drink.
Part of my reasoning for starting the blog was to put it in writing, make it official, have some accountability and start accepting that I do actually have a problem, and I am an alcoholic. But I think, its still too easy to ignore. I don’t have to log in and see it, and its online, so really, its a ‘virtual problem’. So I think the time has come to make it a problem in the real world. I’ve looked into AA, but I hate speaking in front of groups, it would make me nervous and want to drink. Maybe down the line when I hopefully feel more happy and confidant in myself, I might be able to do it.
I did some research the other day at work, the morning after another night of heavy drinking where I basically drank the remains of leftover booze from the catastrophe that was the drunken weekend. Mixing alcohol always makes me feel shocking, so I was suffering from a massive downer. I found that where I live there actually seems to be a good support structure for addiction. There are lots of different options, from group sessions to cognitive behaviour therapy. I was also reading about different drugs that are available which create an adverse reaction to alcohol. If anyone reading has some experience of these drugs, it would be good to hear your thoughts.
The force for change has got to come from me, but at this stage, I feel I need something external to break the cycle. I need to be accountable and stop slipping into this fake reality I create in my head where my drinking is totally normal. The little voice in my head chirping away about how good wine is, how i deserve a reward and wine is the reward, needs to do one, bog off, jog on!
Due to the chaotic life I have been leading of late, I failed to register with a GP, so I will do that tomorrow and make an appointment. Its going to be a tough one, and I can feel the excuses for not doing it building, but it needs to be done. The pains in my back are screaming at me to stop, I just need to get my brain in line with my body before I do myself permanent damage, if I haven’t already.