Am I over analysing?

Soooo.  Last week was terrible, sorry, I was terrible (accountability).  However, I had a weekend away which could have resulted in boozing, but I kept it to two glasses of wine which for me is impressive.  I feel like mentally I’ve turned a corner.  I feel an old spark of motivation to get fit, almost like I can glimpse a fitter happier me in the distance.

What is spurring me on a bit more is the fact that it appears the people around me are noticing my demise.  I’ve had a few comments recently about how ‘weak and feeble’ I look, and when talking about a garden project I want to get underway (you know, trying to motivate myself) I’ve been met with concerned looks and gems of wisdom such as “you’ll need to get a man in to do that for you love,”.  Yarg.  This grates on my soul as I used to be really strong, and perfectly capable of doing most physical tasks, and I rarely  needed anyone to do my heavy lifting!  I was so annoyed I wanted to drop and give’m 20 on the spot (I would most likely have managed 0.5, but that’s not the point).

Today however, has been a weird one which has left me feeling a little winded.  As you will know if you have read my first posts, I have a roommate, who also works at the same place as me.  I know, was always going to be a bit dodgy given my current issues.  Anyway, this roommate was working with someone different, who started asking questions about me, and out of the blue changed the line of questioning to how much do I drink.  Said roommate says he answered something like, ‘only once a month, not a lot’, and to be fair, I don’t drink in front of him, so he can’t know the full extent of my drinking.  And for balance, I had to clean his red wine vomit off my toilet the other week, which had nothing to do with me at all, I wasn’t drinking with him!  But its annoying me on a number of levels.  This is someone who I have always been quite friendly and polite to (as an older person who I always try and treat with a bit of respect) so why is he being, in my opinion (even if I didn’t have an issue with alcohol) really rude and prying into my life like that?  Why does he care?  Has he noticed me looking a bit bleary eyed at work?  Has he seen me buying wine or disposing of my shameful recycling?  Was it actually my roommate who instigated the conversation and is trying to cover his tracks? I mean, why did he have to tell me this?  Is everyone in my work talking about me?  Do I have a…..REPUTATION…..?! Does any of this matter?

I know that really, it doesn’t matter, because what other people think, for the most part, is irrelevant.

But its hit a major nerve, and its making me feel very vulnerable and exposed.  All things considered, it doesn’t matter what the motivation was for this person to ask this question, they asked it, and the gods honest truth is the answer is yes, and its killing me.

Anyway, if there is anything positive to take out of this, I feel more motivated to get a grip, and get healthy.  I really hate to think of myself as this weak pitiful creature that I seem to have become.  I can feel the anger growing, and whereas before it was an anger that wanted to be quenched with wine, this anger wants to break free and run a marathon while carrying a Mini Cooper over its head to prove it most definitely does not require a man to do the heavy lifting, and no, it does not drink a lot, thanks for asking.





One thought on “Am I over analysing?

  1. This is a great post of insight. Seems to me as a recovering alcoholic that I see the signs of trying to manage a problem and that’s when it is usually unmanageable, but agsin, I’m saying I recognize it in me

    Liked by 1 person

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