A recipe for disaster: a dash of wine.

One bottle of wine, two mini bottles of wine, and a good old glug of my flatmates opened bottle of wine, a hazy Skype call to a friend in need (I was no help whatsoever), two late night calls to my flatmate which I hope to god didn’t connect because why the heck was I calling and what the f**K was coming out my mouth, and a pizza which I think was consumed half frozen. Disaster.

I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Why am I so intent on f***ing everything up?  I was doing so well, 14 days of not loathing every cell of my being, and then for reasons I don’t fully understand, I start drinking again.  This is now day four of drinking.  I’m drinking now.

What am I drinking you may ask?  Well, I’m drinking the watered down wine of my flatmate.  Why is this wine watered down??  Well, last night I drunkenly consumed a volume which I then drunkenly replaced with water.  And you can totally tell, it tastes belugh.

I even went out and bought another bottle of wine as I couldn’t live with myself letting the flatmate drink tampered with wine.  But now I’m worried that the whole process will repeat itself after I finish the winewater. This is my life.

I actually managed to get up this morning for a horse riding lesson. This involved driving for 20 mins, and I spent that entire time paranoid I would be stopped and breathalysed.  The doctor even pointed that out, there is a good chance I would be over the next day.  I know all this, yet I still drink.

Nothing good has ever happened when I drink.  Nothing.  Ever. So why do I drink?

I think there are a whole host of reasons that may have contributed to the desire to escape from my own head for a while initially, but even I’m starting to realise that these are now tenuous links.  What is driving me to consume a liquid which is bad for my mental and physical health, my bank balance, my relationships with everyone around me, and life in general, is addiction.  Plain and simple, I am addicted to alcohol, and I’m struggling to overcome this.

I’ve been referred to the ‘addiction clinic’ and I need to call to confirm the appointment, which I haven’t done, as I thought I had this down, what with my 14 days and all, but the reality is, I’ve not got this down, and I need help.

 

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3 thoughts on “A recipe for disaster: a dash of wine.

  1. You are in self-destruct mode at the minute, no point in trying to work out why just right now, if you pour away the rest now, get some water down you, you can still recover the rest of your day, if you are in the UK it is only half 2. Did you say your friend was ill on an earlier post? They’ve got no choice with what is happening to them, you have. You are not powerless x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It sounds like you’re having an out of body experience. For me, that meant that I could observe disastrous decision-making and consequences as if they were happening to someone else. It’s like you’re in a dreaming state. There you are, drinking watered-down wine. There you are, getting in the car, setting yourself up for a possible drinking/driving charge. But it’s like your narrating a story, and you don’t feel the proper alarm that would set in if you were sober. You are in the haze of addiction, and only sustained sobriety will allow you to see clearly again. Just like in a dream, you are only dimly aware of events in your own life. When you are somewhat sober, panic sets in. Looking at these events hungover make you scared enough to want to drink desperately, so that you can go back to not seeing what’s right in front of you.

    But you can change this. You already did, for a magnificent two weeks. You can do this again, one day at a time. It’s a decision you never ever will regret. Deciding to stand up for yourself and show up for your own life will be a miracle beyond anything you can imagine.

    So what would you do if you loved yourself enough to get help? You would confirm your appointment. What do you have to lose?

    Liked by 1 person

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