One bottle of wine, two mini bottles of wine, and a good old glug of my flatmates opened bottle of wine, a hazy Skype call to a friend in need (I was no help whatsoever), two late night calls to my flatmate which I hope to god didn’t connect because why the heck was I calling and what the f**K was coming out my mouth, and a pizza which I think was consumed half frozen. Disaster.
I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Why am I so intent on f***ing everything up? I was doing so well, 14 days of not loathing every cell of my being, and then for reasons I don’t fully understand, I start drinking again. This is now day four of drinking. I’m drinking now.
What am I drinking you may ask? Well, I’m drinking the watered down wine of my flatmate. Why is this wine watered down?? Well, last night I drunkenly consumed a volume which I then drunkenly replaced with water. And you can totally tell, it tastes belugh.
I even went out and bought another bottle of wine as I couldn’t live with myself letting the flatmate drink tampered with wine. But now I’m worried that the whole process will repeat itself after I finish the winewater. This is my life.
I actually managed to get up this morning for a horse riding lesson. This involved driving for 20 mins, and I spent that entire time paranoid I would be stopped and breathalysed. The doctor even pointed that out, there is a good chance I would be over the next day. I know all this, yet I still drink.
Nothing good has ever happened when I drink. Nothing. Ever. So why do I drink?
I think there are a whole host of reasons that may have contributed to the desire to escape from my own head for a while initially, but even I’m starting to realise that these are now tenuous links. What is driving me to consume a liquid which is bad for my mental and physical health, my bank balance, my relationships with everyone around me, and life in general, is addiction. Plain and simple, I am addicted to alcohol, and I’m struggling to overcome this.
I’ve been referred to the ‘addiction clinic’ and I need to call to confirm the appointment, which I haven’t done, as I thought I had this down, what with my 14 days and all, but the reality is, I’ve not got this down, and I need help.