This isn’t the post I wanted to write, but its the truth so it needs to be done.  I drank, again.  It got to about 3pm yesterday and I had a crashing low, I couldn’t concentrate, my head went somewhere very dark, and all I could think was, one bottle of wine will make it all better.  But of course it was more than one bottle and of course it didn’t make anything better at all.

I woke up this morning with a jolt of guilt and shame, realising what I’d done, and then confusion set in.  Why did I do it?  I really don’t know.  It’s like I leave my own body and someone else takes over, and they are in self destruct mode.

After getting up and stumbling around to locate the dog and assess the carnage, I started to feel really bad.  Like loosing my mind bad.  I could hear myself making strange noises, but couldn’t stop myself.  I managed to get the dog out for a pee and back in before I really lost it.  I spent the morning in bed twitching and randomly shouting.  I think I might have had a small psychotic break? I emailed work and said I need some time off, and they were great about it.

I’m so confused by my own behaviour, why was it so easy to resist for those two weeks without really any great force of will, and why now, when the antidepressant medication should be starting to kick in, do I feel more out of control?

I’m really  hating myself right now, I feel like such a failure and waste of oxygen, and I wish the ground will just swallow me up.  How did I get here?

This morning there were definitely a few moments where I thought about throwing myself off the railway bridge, but thankfully my dog was being an angel and snuggling on the bed with me, so she kept me grounded.

My brain feels all sorts of messed up today, I think its finally cracking.

Anyway, whats done is done, and all I can do now is try and use these few days off to try and reset my brain, and get on a better path.  I have an appointment with the addiction clinic on Thursday, so I’m hoping they can give me the ‘anti-alcohol’ pills which will be useful at this point.


10 thoughts on “Crisis

  1. I can’t relate as a drinker although I could easily have been an alcoholic and the only reason I wasn’t is I messed up my stomach and I can’t handle it, but I was a smoker and I still struggle with cravings and addiction triggers. Just know this, if you fall off the wagon that is ALL YOU HAVE DONE you have fallen off the wagon, so you pick yourself up and you carry on forward – it doesn’t mean all the work that got you to this point is futile, far from it, everyone with an addiction will attest it is a process and there are times we want to give up but if we don’t give up and we keep going EVENTUALLY we succeed. I believe you can. Hold on. Believe in your ability and give yourself a break if you fall for a day – it’s not the entirity of your strength which is far more than you realize xo (hugs)

    Liked by 1 person

      • Well said. I know that feeling. There are SO many days I feel the opposite of strong. You are entitled to feel lousy too. You are entitled to take a day or more to just say hell to the world. But remember always, at the end of that time, to start over, and one day you will find you won’t be addicted like you used to be and it will all have been so worth it. Yeah I know it sounds unrealistic but that’s the one unrealistic sounding thing that is true. HUGS

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, you sound like you could do with some mental health support, hope you don’t take that the wrong way. Are u in the UK? ,you sound like you are, maybe ring a MIND helpline, it’s a lot to be going alone x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Is there a possibility that you could take some time away at a nice cozy friendly rehab? I sooooo wish I had done that years ago. Instead, I was worried about what people thought, how my employer would react, who would take care of my kids, etc. I could have worked it out. And the reason to have a job is so that your insurance can get you help.
    Do you think it’s possible? People I know who have gone come back with an arsenal of contacts, tools, mental health tricks, and knowledge to help them combat this monster. There’s no need to go it alone any longer. There are people who want to help you. Let them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello! Rehab sounds like a great idea. I’m not sure what the options are here in terms of availability and cost, but I can ask at my appointment tomorrow. I really don’t want anyone to know the extent of my issues though, so I would rather not have to. I feel like I can do this, I managed 2 weeks fine, it just seems to be when I start again all the guilt and shame builds up and tips me over the edge. I guess im treating these few days off work as rehab, I spent yesterday reading blogs and trying to learn from others experience.

      Liked by 1 person

      • In the book “Drinking: A Love Story” the woman says she’s going on vacation for a couple of weeks. I would do the same when it comes to coworkers, etc. There’s a lot to be said for just getting away while you sort things out, even if it’s not to rehab. I was always restricted by kids and school, but I think it does a world of good.
        Hang in there!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s a good plan! Although I have a dog that would need looked after unless you can take your dog to rehab?! She’s being so good, following me around and keeping an eye on me.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s hilarious because I tried to find a rehab that takes dogs. I’m sure they’re out there. Maybe you could get her certified as a ‘comfort dog’ and therefore she has to go with you for medical reasons. My friend did that.

        Liked by 1 person

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