This isn’t the post I wanted to write, but its the truth so it needs to be done. I drank, again. It got to about 3pm yesterday and I had a crashing low, I couldn’t concentrate, my head went somewhere very dark, and all I could think was, one bottle of wine will make it all better. But of course it was more than one bottle and of course it didn’t make anything better at all.
I woke up this morning with a jolt of guilt and shame, realising what I’d done, and then confusion set in. Why did I do it? I really don’t know. It’s like I leave my own body and someone else takes over, and they are in self destruct mode.
After getting up and stumbling around to locate the dog and assess the carnage, I started to feel really bad. Like loosing my mind bad. I could hear myself making strange noises, but couldn’t stop myself. I managed to get the dog out for a pee and back in before I really lost it. I spent the morning in bed twitching and randomly shouting. I think I might have had a small psychotic break? I emailed work and said I need some time off, and they were great about it.
I’m so confused by my own behaviour, why was it so easy to resist for those two weeks without really any great force of will, and why now, when the antidepressant medication should be starting to kick in, do I feel more out of control?
I’m really hating myself right now, I feel like such a failure and waste of oxygen, and I wish the ground will just swallow me up. How did I get here?
This morning there were definitely a few moments where I thought about throwing myself off the railway bridge, but thankfully my dog was being an angel and snuggling on the bed with me, so she kept me grounded.
My brain feels all sorts of messed up today, I think its finally cracking.
Anyway, whats done is done, and all I can do now is try and use these few days off to try and reset my brain, and get on a better path. I have an appointment with the addiction clinic on Thursday, so I’m hoping they can give me the ‘anti-alcohol’ pills which will be useful at this point.