Tired.

Today has been a bit of a strange one.  I slept well enough, but woke up feeling tired, sweaty for some reason, and mildly panicky.  I had ordered a grocery delivery mainly for the dog’s food, so I wouldn’t need to go out and face the world, but there was a problem with the payment resulting in a couple of phone calls, the payment not being allowed by the bank, and the delivery turning up in the middle of it all and having to send it back.  So, long story, I had to go to the store before the dog ate me!

I felt totally on edge, like everyone was looking at me, and I just wanted out as soon as possible.  I took the dog for an overdue walk, the sun was shining which made me feel a little better I guess.  When I got home I had a few moments of thinking this is all too much and I want oblivion, but I made a cup of tea and it passed.

Unbelievably to me, I’m still having cravings for a glass of wine.  Why?  How can this be?  When I know it does nothing good for me at all, and that it will make me near psychotic! The mind is a strange thing indeed, and at the moment mine seems to be completely at odds with what I would refer to as ‘me’, even though I’m a total muddle at the moment.

Even as I’m writing the word wine, I can feel the inner voice going, mmm, wine, wine is good, go get wine! Yargh.  No evil inner voice with no self control, no wine, ever.  You’ve had more than your fair share of wine, I’m calling time. You can have some fizzy tonic water and that’s your lot.

I need to take the dog out for another walk, and I’m getting panicky thinking about it.  I don’t want to bump into my neighbour who is working on the garden.  My flatmate who has thankfully missed this whole situation might be back tonight, I’m not sure, and that is making me feel edgy and panicky as well.  I really can’t deal with any human interaction at the moment.  I look a right jittery mess.  Thankfully the dog doesn’t judge.  Well, there was judgement passed regarding the breakfast situation, but I agree, that was unacceptable.

On that note, I’m been given stank eye, so I should give the poor beast her dinner then take her for a walk.  Sigh.  If only I could press pause on the rest of the world and sneak out unnoticed.

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