Hungover, ashamed, exhausted.

I’m not doing very well at this whole not drinking business.  In fact, its getting worse.  My flatmate has been away for the week and i’ve pretty much been drinking every night. Today I feel horrific, my stomach is a mess, my head is thumping and spinning out, my skin is dull and oily, I’ve got no energy at all, I just want to sleep but I know I wont.

I also keep having this sensation that I don’t know what day it is, and what time of day, which is a horrible sensation and gives me a real panicky feeling. Its happened before and is 100% down to drinking and not sleeping properly, and generally feeling like crap all the time.

I need to go out and buy more wine to replace the wine of my flatmate that I keep drinking.  He wont be back until later tonight, but I keep getting panicked when I hear a noise that its him and he’ll see that i’ve been drinking his wine because i have no self control and I’m a raging alcoholic.

Alcohol is a freaking nightmare, I hate it, I wish I had never started drinking.  So much of my life has been ruined by alcohol, I’ve done so many stupid things.

I really feel this is now the breaking point, I feel like if I don’t sort this now, its only going to get worse.  What im struggling to understand is why, well, why am I struggling so much with stopping, and why is my drinking actually getting worse?  Why is it so hard when I know how much damage im doing to myself?

Im just rambling now so i’ll sign off, but I’ll be on later as i’m going to have to do battle with myself to not chin my flatmates wine again.  The bottles were open and half used (for cooking, because he is a normal person and doesn’t have a problem).  God even as i’m writing this im thinking, if I get ready now, I  can be back with the wine and drink  half of it and sober up by dinner time and it will all be ok.  Seriously, today is going to suck.

 

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8 thoughts on “Hungover, ashamed, exhausted.

  1. Someone once told me “the why’s don’t matter.” His therapist had told him that when he was questioning why his wife wanted to leave after a long marriage. He wanted answers. The therapist said don’t worry about why, because it doesn’t matter, and you may never know.
    Why I drank and continued to drink way beyond the point of physical, mental, and spiritual harm is something I could only really think about in recovery. And I could give you a hundred guesses, but what I know is this: I drank because I became addicted to an addictive substance — a substance designed to addict. That’s it. I accepted this. I was not morally bankrupt, undisciplined, and weak. I was human. And I could deal with it in this way.
    You are addicted to an addictive substance. You can treat this, now, without having to answer any more whys. And the pain of that addiction will leave you.
    Give yourself a chance to recover. Treat yourself like the person you most love in the world. What if that person came to you, broken, explaining that their life had spiraled out of control? What would you do to help them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • A really good reply. Thinking about alcohol as an “addictive substance” is so simple but for me so forgotten. I think because I am not to the point of physical dependency I forget the addiction piece.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Me too. My physical dependency would only last a day or two of withdrawal — mostly just jittery nerves and irritation. Still, I could not have been more dependent on alcohol. That neural pathway was deep! And it’s still there, if I choose to drink again. I think of it like a trail of gasoline that I could ignite. That keeps me from thinking of it as just a harmless, one-time drink or two.

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    • @asobermiracle, you have such a moving way with words. I understand what you are saying, I read Alan Carr’s ‘Easyway’ which very much labours the point about alcohol being inherently addictive. This is what is so annoying for me, I know all this, I studied chemistry for goodness sake! But yet I still can’t break away. I will bear your words in mind over the next week, and make an attempt to at least like myself for the time being!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you for your kind words. ; ) I used to know so much about addiction that I wanted to be a speaker. I wanted to do this while drinking. I didn’t really see the irony there. I would just have a drink or two to get over the nervousness of speaking. So somehow knowing all about it didn’t really kick-in sobriety for me. I had to dip below the horizon again and again to finally be convinced that it was over.
        It’s so hard to put yourself first after suffering the abuse of alcohol. It makes you feel worthless so that you no longer forgive or invest in yourself. It’s so unfair! Because it’s that self-love that gets you out of there. I am SO HAPPY that you are going to like yourself this week. It really does change things. ; )
        xoxo!

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  2. Sobermeup, yours is the only blog I follow right now. Please keep writing. I do not blog yet..I may but have just continued the hellhole of binge drinking. I am 70 as of last month. I went for just short of 25 years stone cold sober. It was a God thing. After grinding under my drunkenness for years, one day I came home from a wine lunch and my children saw me. I was so ashamed, that was what began my sobriety. I didn’t know I wasn’t going to drink again for all those years, I just didn’t. But what I did was pray that God would remind me daily of how sick I was and thank Him daily for another day sober. I loved sobriety. After 3 initial almost lapses, I was a non drinker for all those years and didn’t think about it at all. THEN about 5 years ago I gradually started thinking I would just be careful. Hah! Well, I am no dummy but thinking I didn’t have a real problem WAS my demise. It took me awhile, but here I am back at square one. I spent yesterday as I have spent many, tired and sick with a hangover. I went back to see if you had posted again, but had not. But I prayed hard, and my depression was great (a number of things contributing to that but alcohol is a biggie) and tho I was tempted at my “time” at 1:30 in the afternoon (and I did think HOW can I be thinking about “opening the bar” when I feel like crap?)…I didn’t have a drink, or a glass of wine. I cried out to God that I wouldn’t. And I didn’t. I feel better today. I have to work. But those days when I don’t work will come again and the opportunity to drink will be there. I pray for you as I pray for me…one day. And that we will remember. You have so helped me in your struggle.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sorry to hear about your current struggles, but well done for all those years sober! What an achievement! It really is frightening how quickly alcohol can take hold, even after periods of abstinence. I went two whole weeks without a single craving, and felt great, and then bam! for whatever reason, I bought that bottle of wine at the shop, and before you know it, right back into drinking every day. Its the hangover that gets me every time, I know that drinking more will make it go away. Well, away to the next morning anyway! Its an awful vicious circle, and feels impossible to escape from, but you are proof that it can be done! Best of luck with your sobriety, and let me know how you get on. The online community here really is an amazing support network, people are so knowledgeable and kind. x

      Liked by 1 person

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