I’m not doing very well at this whole not drinking business. In fact, its getting worse. My flatmate has been away for the week and i’ve pretty much been drinking every night. Today I feel horrific, my stomach is a mess, my head is thumping and spinning out, my skin is dull and oily, I’ve got no energy at all, I just want to sleep but I know I wont.
I also keep having this sensation that I don’t know what day it is, and what time of day, which is a horrible sensation and gives me a real panicky feeling. Its happened before and is 100% down to drinking and not sleeping properly, and generally feeling like crap all the time.
I need to go out and buy more wine to replace the wine of my flatmate that I keep drinking. He wont be back until later tonight, but I keep getting panicked when I hear a noise that its him and he’ll see that i’ve been drinking his wine because i have no self control and I’m a raging alcoholic.
Alcohol is a freaking nightmare, I hate it, I wish I had never started drinking. So much of my life has been ruined by alcohol, I’ve done so many stupid things.
I really feel this is now the breaking point, I feel like if I don’t sort this now, its only going to get worse. What im struggling to understand is why, well, why am I struggling so much with stopping, and why is my drinking actually getting worse? Why is it so hard when I know how much damage im doing to myself?
Im just rambling now so i’ll sign off, but I’ll be on later as i’m going to have to do battle with myself to not chin my flatmates wine again. The bottles were open and half used (for cooking, because he is a normal person and doesn’t have a problem). God even as i’m writing this im thinking, if I get ready now, I can be back with the wine and drink half of it and sober up by dinner time and it will all be ok. Seriously, today is going to suck.