I had to call in sick again today. And its not a lie, I’ve been sick all night, my stomach is in bits, my lower back is killing me, and I feel like if someone were to hand me a pill right now that would end it all, and guarantee a black oblivion, I would take it. I should say, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to hurt myself, well, anymore than I already am with alcohol. I’m just at the absolute end of my tether. With myself. Me. Because it is ME that is doing this to MYSELF. I’ve been drinking a bottle of wine every night now for the last two weeks, more at the weekend, and more last night.
In an attempt to stop myself buying more booze last night, I left my purse at home so I couldn’t stop by the store on the way home. But addict brain took over and I stopped by the house, got the purse and went to the store to buy wine.
I drank the wine, and one beer, then walked all the way back to the store and bought another bottle of wine. I don’t remember doing this. I didn’t manage to drink all of the second bottle, so I’ve poured that away and added the bottles to the bags of shame lying at the door for recycling. I’m going to have to take them in shifts and to different places to hide the extent of my drinking.
Urgh, I feel all sorts of awful. I love my job, I want to be in work, and be present and productive, why am I ruining it? Why am I ruining my own life? I do not want to loose my job over this. I’m lucky that my work are quite relaxed, but I think I’m pushing it with sick days, and it won’t go unnoticed.
I didn’t really sleep last night, I was up and down to get water and to throw up, and to manically check my laptop/phone history to see what I had been doing, as I couldn’t remember much of anything.
As soon as I start drinking, I drink until the booze runs out, or I pass out. Its that simple. There is no middle ground, there is no ability to choose, to stop, to rationalise. But I did have a choice to not buy that first bottle, to not open that first bottle and take that first sip. I did have a choice. And I chose to drink. But I can also choose not to drink. There were those magical two weeks where I chose not to drink.
I need to take a long hard look at myself and sort this out. My drinking has completely spiralled, I want to say out of control, but again, it IS in my control, I am the one driving this monster truck…..! Oh I don’t know. I feel like I totally get why people loose the plot and revert back to their childhood, I want my mum to come along, give me a massive hug, put a plaster on it and make it all better.
Drinking is so isolating. It makes me feel disconnected from everything. I look around, and I see happy families, pushing a child in a pram, couples hugging, even people chatting happily in pubs, people living full productive lives, and what do I have? I have this twisted, gnarly, rotten thing that is attached to me like a parasitic twin, dragging me down and ruining everything, and when I look closely at it, I see it is me.
In my drunken stupor last night, I stupidly reactivated facebook and looked up my evil ex. Not a good idea. He is still ‘in a relationship’ with the woman he started going out with not long after I dumped him, and she has 3 kids. I’ll probably write more about this at some point, but not now. Lets just say that seeing him around children makes me uncomfortable, and I was very tempted to write to this woman and warn her about him. Thankfully, after double checking, I didn’t write to her last night, and I’ve deactivated FB again. If I ever did choose to write to her, I would want to choose my words carefully as it would have catastrophic consequences, and I don’t want to do that by sending a drunken ramble.
So after all that rambling, a sort of theme emerged: choice. I have been making bad choices. Ever time I buy that bottle of booze, every time I open it, ever time I take that first sip, I had a choice. Even though I believe that I am addicted, and that it is the addiction in part (along with all the emotional issues) driving me to make a bad decision, I still can choose to say no, I’m not listening, and make the right decision. At my ‘friends’ wedding last year her dad said in his speech, he was proud of his daughter for making good life choices. That hit me hard, as I looked around and saw he is right, she has made good decisions. She has a room full of good friends, a lovely husband, a good career and a full happy life. It made me realise that in the last few years, I made lots of bad decisions, bad life choices, and that is why my life is so empty. And a lot of these bad life choices revolve around alcohol. Alcohol has never given me anything, all it has done is taken. I need to start making good choices, because I really can’t take much more of this non-life.