Im just back from my appointment at the addiction service, and I’m drinking wine. To be fair, I sat through the appointment with the bottle in my bag (the non addicted part of my brain is banging its self against a wall), but my intention was only to have a glass (yeah right, who am i kidding), just to take the edge off the hangover.
The appointment went well, I warmed to the lady (different lady, this one didn’t try and breathalyse me once!), she seemed quite quirky (her mobile safety service kept going off to check if i’d done her in!!) and proactive and keen to help.
I told her about my social anxiety issues and all the sorts of things that have lead up to me drinking to the point of addiction, and she’s keen to refer me to the cognitive behaviour therapist, which I honestly think is the key to all this, having had some successful sessions before.
I’ve got another appointment in two weeks, and we are going to look at the ‘Star’, which is basically a tool to rate your life and find its deficiencies. Well, I can tell you what they are right now:
- 30 + years old
- Weird looking
- Socially awkward
- Financially volatile
- Socially isolated
- Socially anxious
- Prefers the company her dog to other people (her banter is well better!)
You get the picture. I’m not stupid, I know that my main issue is loneliness and that at 33 years old, I should have a fuller life. But I really struggle making friends, and after my last horrific relationship (i will blog about this at some point), my fears about other humans have been vindicated! So I initially found staying at home drinking wine way more fun than being out in the real world (until it became a problem). Anyway, as simplistic as the ‘Star’ is, I guess I should go with it. I’m failing to sort this out on my own, so maybe going back to basics is what I need.
I mentioned to her my desire to have the ‘anti-alcohol’ pills as I call them, but she seemed more keen to go with ‘anti-craving’ pills ‘Campral’. We had already agreed that I don’t (thankfully physically can’t) drink enough to be physically addicted (shakes and all), so i’m psychologically addicted. So I asked, how do the pills work in terms of removing cravings, if they are psychological? To which I got a rather blank expression followed by ‘Voodoo?’. Funny, but not very reassuring. I’m sort of inclined to think the pills are a placebo, which then renders them useless.
Has anyone out there used ‘Campral’ and have some feedback?
The session wrapped up, and she said ‘take care of yourself’ to which I replied, “I’m doing better, I feel I understand whats going on so much better from my interactions online, and from direct contact from others that have been through the same situation,” I told her about my blog and about ‘HelloSundayMorning’, I honestly thought she would have been like, great, anything that you feel is positive is a good thing! But no!
And this is where I get to the subject of the post, she totally shot me down!
Her view is, because I’m socially anxious, I’m finding blogging and engaging with people online as another tool to isolate myself and not face up to my problems, therefor I’m fooling myself into believing its in any way helpful.
As I am a bit feckless, I agreed at the time, but the more I have thought about it, the more I disagree. Being able to connect directly with other, all be it, faceless internet profiles/people, has been mind blowing for me. I have spent whole hungover days reading peoples blogs, and ending up feeling like I know them, and understand their pain.
And I’ve had so many lovely comments from people which have lifted me up and given me the courage to make it through another day, it has counteracted all my misgivings about the human race that I was harbouring after my last horrific relationship. People care, people give unconditionally, and if you reach out, people will reach back.
So, in summary, if anyone from the ‘addiction service’ is reading, don’t dismiss the online community and blogosphere. It really helps people to reach out and engage with others in a neutral environment, and for those of us that maybe fear face to face interactions, this is so valuable a tool. You should be actively encouraging people to start a blog, not scoffing!
Rant over, and sorry for letting you all down. xxx