I was doing so well, but the combination of a couple of nights rough sleep, with really weird dark dreams, and obviously the addiction itself, lead me to the store, and to buy a bottle of wine and pizza, my go to drinking food of choice.
I’m annoyed at myself, but also slightly hopeful. I enjoyed the first two glasses and remembered (hah, because I forgot over 3 days?!) how much fun can be had with alcohol, that first glass, and the little peak of energy you get and the buzzy feeling that everything is great and so on…..then there is the second glass and that even buzzier feeling…… But then there is the second and fourth (if you have another bottle there WILL be more) and you realise that those feelings have gone and now there is a sort of empty space where they were and you feel you have to keep drinking to try and get those happy feelings back, but you never do. And before you know it, its 3am, you are lying awake with a dry mouth, a headache and all the feelings of guilt and hopelessness etc etc.
During the thought process which lead me to buying the wine, I started to realise that a huge part of my drinking is to block out feelings if loneliness, which all came back with a vengeance yesterday.
If i’m drinking and hungover, and worried about my drinking, then i’m not worrying about feeling lonely and all my other issues. I started to wonder, would my life be totally empty without drinking?
Anyway, I messed up, but I feel it was a good mess up at this point, as i realise I just don’t want this in my life anymore. Yes, its scary to remove what has been a large part of my life, but its a good scary and it will only lead to good things happening.
I have a doctors appointment today and I’m going to ask for the antibuse i think its called, as i really think that will help me stop talking myself into drinking again, at least until i have a few months under my belt.
So, i messed up, but i’m learning, and im moving forward and not beating myself up. This is a journey with no quick fix, but im going to get there.
Have a happy healthy Wednesday! xxx