So, I failed miserably at my goal of not drinking today at my parents. It was a lovely sunny day, we sat in the garden, the dog was basking in the sun. Then it got to the witching hour and my mum asked ‘do you want a glass of wine with your dinner?’ (Chinese takeaway) to which I replied, ‘oh go on then’. So she cracked open the box of wine, and I sipped away, in the knowledge that I really shouldn’t be, and that this was wrong. Maybe its the pills, but I wasn’t feeling it. I sipped a glass, had dinner, then we went into the living room to watch TV while my t-total dad and sister went out into the garden to wash the cars. I sipped more wine, feeling tipsy but not drunk, while my mum continued to get more blitzed. She kept going into the kitchen and sneaking more wine, and ended up totally pissed.
I think i maybe drank about 1 bottle of wine over the night with food, she must have had over 2 to herself.
We were in mid conversation about how im going to die alone, childless, and how im so sad for making my dog my life (sorry but she is way better than most people) when pa decided to come in and sit in the living room (therefore curtailing any more drinking), and its then that i realised that his controlling, disapproving nature has sort of exacerbated the whole drinking culture in our family.
If my dad could even have made a joke about it by saying, ‘hey, you girls sound a bit pissed!’ it would be fine, but he just comes in and sits down as if to say, “enough!!”, which makes my mum sneak as much alcohol as possible without him seeing.
So messed up. I am a little tipsy. But I saw tonight for all it was. I could see my mum go from merry to fucked in 60 seconds flat, I could see how my sister and dad disprove, and how this drove my mum to drink more, and I could see myself drinking when I didn’t/shouldnt really want too, yet still did anyway.
I’m looking forward to going back to my own flat tomorrow (yes, alone, just me and the dog, whatever!), but will have to resist the desire to buy 2 bottles of wine and drown my husbandless and childless sorrows along the way.